you

Dear Abang,

I write about you a lot. At work, at home, at our room. It's never enough, I always want to talk about you. What matters to me now is us. Please forgive me if I ever said something that might hurt you or someone you care. Last night I had a nightmare, I don't remember much but it was about my family, again. I feel warned. I hope it's nothing. I do realize that slowly I'm distracted from everything I was focused on. That's not because of you, well.. maybe it is. I can't stop thinking about how grateful I am being here with you. Every morning I wake up watching you sleeping while holding me in your warm hugs. I crave for nothing but this. Do you remember how many times I told you how cute you are? I really mean it. I can't seeing you without saying nothing. I never lose words to describe you. You've been so great to me that's the only thing I could compare to your past. You knew I've never felt secure my whole life. You knew I'd always compete and try to win every battle you have. I'm aware that this thing somehow feels harm and might hurt us both. But I can't stop doing it, knowing that you can leave me while I can't. How does it not bother you that I would cry in blood when you leave? How does it not drive you crazy seeing me dying? I hope one day you'll notice this. I love you so deep you probably knew this in the first place. Every little thing you do will cost me. It will haunt me in my dreams and reality. I never stop loving you, no matter how bad our argument was, I always talked to you and kissed you. I was hurt, a lot. But I thought that maybe you were hurt too. So instead of making each other miserable, I better stopped the pain. Everyday I try to heal myself from every argument, every fight we had. At work I might cry and wipe it off and continue doing what I should do. I notice my behavior. I can't accept rejection. But believe me when I tell you that when I'm with you I am very tolerant with almost everything. It's the truth. When you raised your voice upon me, I just cried without yelling back at you like I always did. I can't think clearer when you yell at me. I always wanted you to talk good to me and able to maintain your words. Then at that time you said something that really hurt me. I was in a true pain. My heart broke. I just healed and pretended like it wasn't a big deal. I forgave you even when you didn't ask for forgiveness. Cause I remembered what you said to your ex, that you would forgive her even before she said sorry. It feels like betrayal to me. Even though it happened years ago, but I still can feel it until now. How is it to feel deeply loved by you? I thought maybe she could make you happy way better that I am now. Why does it always bother me? I wanted to be normal. I need to reassure myself that it was happened in past and I live in present. Things like that were common, remembering that you were still so young. Typical guy at his twenty-ish. Then I build my trust again, I believed that you wouldn't lie to me ever again. 

That was the moment where I supposed to watch you. You lied to me the other day, then lied again. I wanted to know what did you tell her that I don't deserve to know? You can't always fool me, I am your partner. I need to know what you're doing when I am not around. You said you would never contact your ex after your relationship ended. But you didn't. You were busy thinking about me and her while I was busy with you only. You contacted her when I wasn't around. You didn't tell me what it was, between you and her. I asked you whether you two still had some unfinished businesses or not and you told me no, nothing left. I wanted to believe you but it felt so hard after all those lies. I asked you again the other day, you lied. I had to force you to talk and you said something ridiculous that she asked for her shoes and you with your maroon jacket. Years passed by and why the hell she questioned that thing now? I cried knowing that those weren't true. You hid this even until now. I might look the crazy one asking you things that you wouldn't tell the truth. I was in pain when you called her and she called you too. You two were talking for some minutes. When I knew this, I wanted to smash her head against the wall, broke her skull and jerk her body with something sharp. She knew you have me but she didn't care. She wouldn't think about me cause she was so desperate. She was dumped. Her ex dumped her like a trash. Does she not realize that it should be her pain and not mine? She called you after she broke up that's how fucked up she is. She's a bitch I always hate. I think you should know something. I texted her the other day, I asked her what was her business to call you a few times back then. I knew you both would lie to me. I told her that maybe she wanted to meet you so bad, she told me that you asked for her help. I believed it. I said sorry to her for intimidating when she was working. But as weeks passed by, I started to think that this wasn't true. Well, some of it might be true but some weren't. She said when she called you, she wanted to ask something but she forgot cause it was a long time ago. I was laughing. How the fuck she forgot something that she wanted to ask him when she finally contacted him again after maybe two or a year not talking? I bet they met each other in 2018 or 2019. I didn't buy that story. And if it was true, why did you hide it from me? It was more than that, it was a conversation maybe about your life and hers. Maybe you talked more and she brought back old memories. I don't know. I might notice much but I don't know all. Please enlighten me. Even until now, I still have no idea to whom you belong to. Despite of the fact that I love you this much, I still hesitate about your choice at the end of the day.

"Will it be me? Or is it her? Another 'her'?"

The more I think the more I hurt myself. I want to find the answer, it always comes to me at the right time. You're the reason why I haven't been crazy. Please keep doing so. Despite of these guts I have, I enjoy your company, so much. I feel comfortable around you. There are some things I have to do with you when this pandemic is over and I finally get to work. I want to go to places, your favorites. I want to try Gelatto in Jogja, I want to go to Bali and sunbathing while watching the sun goes down. These feel like a dream to me. Hope in the near future we could do all and create memories.

                                    Love,

Shaby